Recipes for Living Betty Stone

I have a truly unremarkable background. I had a wonderful childhood, but it was so ordinary that at the time I thought it was just plain boring. I grew up in Dallas County. My parents, Gale (Shorty) and Bonnie Thompson, farmed the same land and lived in the same home their entire life - 55 years in same farm house, and it is still in the family. Mother was a Forret, one of the early settling families in Dallas and Madison counties. Vicki (Mrs. Ray) Russell of Osceola is a distant cousin. She was a Forret, also.

My grandparents lived across the field from us. I am the youngest of four children, with two older sisters and an older brother. Our mother was a stay-at-home-Mom, who farmed with Dad. He was the funny guy, keeping us laughing with his one-liners, but Mom was the household manager, organizer, and disciplinarian, everything that kept the home running smoothly. My sisters and brother were very good students. Doing well in school was important, as was music. I was probably the most ordinary of them all. Mom pushed us to do our best. We weren't allowed to slack off on any part of our education. We all had to take piano lessons, for which I now am grateful, of course.

Our family was active in the EUB (Evangelical United Brethren) church. Mom and Dad were the treasurers for as long as I can remember. Being musical, it seemed as though one of my sisters was always upfront at the piano or organ. That meant we were the first to arrive and the last to leave. If there was a mid-week service, we were always there. We spent a lot of time at church. I was accustomed to and comfortable in the church.

There was also a Methodist Church in Van Meter, and I was one of the people that was happy about the merger between the EUBs and Methodists, which resulted in the United Methodist Church. It had been my observation that the Methodists had fewer rules than the EUBs. It seemed they were allowed to dance but we were discouraged from doing so, although square dancing was somehow okay. Card playing didn't seem as objectionable to Methodists as to EUBs, and from a child's perspective, it seemed like a really good deal when we merged.

There were aspects of my dull beginning - same house, same school, and the same church - that shaped my life and for which I am grateful. It gave me a sense of stability. My Iowa roots are really deep. I'll admit, however, that it also made me somewhat resistant to change. I don't change jobs easily. I don't make decisions impulsively.

It also helped me prioritize what is important in life. First of all would be the family. My parents were always available. They were at every concert, every recital, every basketball game - everything. Second would be the church. In the latter case, it was not just our regular attendance, but other things that happened. For instance, when my sister, who is six years older than I, was in junior high, she became very ill with the kidney disease, nephritis. It was serious, and she was bedridden for many months. My parents didn't talk much about it. I was in first or second grade, and like many families at that time, I was not privileged to be included in conversations of grown-ups. However, what stood out in my mind was that every Sunday afternoon the pastor's wife, Jessie Carter, would bring my sister Mary a bag of goodies. There would be crossword or jigsaw puzzles, or books - something different each week. As I look back on it, it was probably some Sunday school class activity or project, but I thought it was about the neatest thing ever. I was so envious that my sister got to receive all those gifts every week. And Jessie seemed to me like a saint. This and the kindness and thoughtfulness of all the people in the church made an impression on me.

I realize now that I lived a sheltered life. I was never included in serious conversations about problems. Ours was a lily white community, so I had no experience with anyone different from me. I remember distinctly when I first met an African American. We had taken my sister, Sharon, up to UNI (University of Northern Iowa). Being ten years older than I, she was probably eighteen or nineteen, and I was eight or nine years old. We had gone to a Walgreens store to get her some supplies, and I was in the aisle looking at hair care products. Suddenly, a very tall, attractive, African American male came up beside me. I was astonished! He began in a jovial way, kind of teasing as you do with a child that age, and I was mesmerized by the beautiful color of his skin. I found him very funny, but I was also embarrassed. As I've thought about it through the years, I realize this had an impact on me. I never had the fear that sometimes goes with exposure to someone different from us. Instead, I was just curious, and marveled at the difference. I have never been able to understand how people could be unkind to or make fun of others unlike themselves.

A similar experience was when I in the hospital as a result of a car wreck at the age of 15. A Candy Striper regularly came into my room. She was a beautiful African American girl. I was fascinated that when she had been gone for a weekend, she came back so proud of her tan. She showed me the tan line - how she was chocolate here, deep brown here. I thought that was so interesting. What I am saying is that my earliest experiences with another race were very positive. That, too, has had an influence on my thinking throughout my life.

I have had great opportunities, lots of friends, and success in different areas. I went to UNI, as did all my siblings. I didn't know there were options. I just followed in line and did what the rest did. The supposition was that students who chose that college were being educated to teach, but I didn't want to be a teacher. I have always been interested in visual arts, so I went into Home Economics, with an emphasis on textiles and design. I thought I wanted to be a designer, then lowered my expectations and thought I would become a buyer. Iowa is not an area where those kinds of opportunities were plentiful, so I changed again. I love old things and thought maybe I would open a vintage clothing store.

All these dreams kind of revolved around an interest in design, until my first job out of college, which was working for Richman Gordman in their corporate office in Omaha. I came to realize that I didn't care what people buy. I like thinking about why people buy what they buy or decorate the way they do. I discovered that I didn't belong in sales since my interest was in why, not what, or whether people bought anything at all. I also began to realize that we buy way, way, way too much stuff, and I began to move away from what my college degree was about. However, I am still interested in design. For instance, in the church, I am interested in the impact that visuals have on the worship experience. How things look and smell, as well as what we hear, affects us, so I see worship as a multi-dimensional experience.

There was an incident from my youth that remains very important to me. Like lots of kids, when they go off to college, I had gotten away from going to church and didn't think much about it. It was more important to sleep in on Sunday mornings. One Saturday night, I was home from college, in the basement doing laundry. Dad had been out working in the fields all day and came down to wash up for supper. We were having a casual conversation about what was going on and I told him I was going out. Dad said, "Well, don't forget church in the morning." I answered him in a sassy, know-it-all manner, "Well, I don't know if I'll go to church anymore. I'm not really sure if I believe in God." Dad didn't stop washing his hands and arms. He didn't look up or turn around to confront me. He simply said, "You know, if you would drag yourself out of bed in the morning and come with me out into the field to see what I see every day, you would never say such a knuckle-head thing. You would never doubt God again." I think about that a lot. I've heard a lot of eloquent theologians since then but none have had the impact on me as this simple profession of faith by my dad. Both my parents were influential, but Dad's message that day impressed me deeply.

I think of the time when I was in college, 1969-1973, as a most dramatic time. What a gift to be part of the enormous political and social changes that were going on! It was during the Viet Nam war. I was a war protester. I am still sensitive about those who labeled people unpatriotic if they criticized the war, I find it illogical to connect the fact that someone doesn't want to see their brothers, or children, or boyfriends go to war, possibly to die, with whether you support them and care about them or our country. I think it means exactly that you do support and care about them. Of course I believe countries need to have militaries. But aggressively invading other countries, imposing our values on others, is so presumptuous! How can we know what is best for other cultures? I can't say that I am a total pacifist, but I'm certain that peace is never achieved through violence.

So my college years were a defining time of my life. The war was always in our consciousness. Race relations were another issue that raised emotions. Even though UNI was not really a Mecca of diversity, it provided me with more exposure to others than ever before. At the same time, the changing role of women was happening. My oldest sister, Sharon, and I have discussed how, in the ten years between our ages, the expectations of women, and the opportunities for women, changed. In general, it was exciting and a great time to be a young student and a young person.

Following college I started a career in sales promotion for an insurance company and did a lot of writing, which has always been a strong suit - creative writing or any kind. I also sold real estate for a few years. Eventually I did get into a more settled life, marrying and establishing a home. But I've always been pretty adventurous so was slow to evolve into the traditional parent role. I didn't have children until I was 31. My mother thought I would never have children. However, I had Jordan, who is now 21 years old, and Taylor who is 18.

I was fortunate that I was able to stay home while the children were very young, and then started doing volunteer work. Because I was looking for things to do that were related to children, I became involved with the Child Abuse Prevention Council. With my background in sales promotion, I started working on public relations, fund raising, and things like that. Shortly after I became involved, the executive director left. That was a 30-hour a week, part-time position, in which it was possible to work at home around a family schedule. So I took the position of the executive director of the Child Abuse Prevention Council of Des Moines. It was a great opportunity to meet lots of people in the community, and discovered it was much more comfortable working in the non-profit sector than for profit. Working in that environment gave me the opportunity to inject some of the values I had developed at home and in church, into my daily job.

I held that job for several years before my children went to school. I also made lots of contacts, and became familiar with the non-profit agencies in Des Moines. I felt fortunate when I had an opportunity to go to work for the agency called Generations Incorporated. Now, 12 years later, I still have the same job. I am their Director of Human Resources. It is a great agency that helps many people, a lot of different populations. The area that interested me initially was their family centered services area where they work with families where abuse or neglect had been identified. I have since developed great appreciation for the work they do with the elderly.

I suppose what became most passionate about in my work and life, are justice issues, however that plays out. I am committed to seeing that people are treated fairly and with justice. It is hard for me to understand how someone deserves to earn millions of dollars when someone else is living in poverty. It seems to me nobody is that much brighter or could be that much more ambitious than someone else. I also don't tolerate favoritism or preferential treatment. It is important to me in my work, that people are treated fairly.

Our agency is an important component in the continuum of service providers for the elderly in Polk County. We operate the Meals on Wheels program, and provide meals for 17 senior congregate meal sites. We are also the non-profit provider of Home Care Aides. I feel really fortunate to have a job where what we do is so important to the community. As Director of Human Resources, I am second in command so I have the opportunity to get involved in administration and management of the programs to serve those in need. Even though I am not involved in direct service, I'm proud or the work we do and those who do it.

About ten years ago, I met Hugh. My marriage had not worked out. My husband had left, and I had been single for about two years. It was a traumatic time, but my boys and I were very close, and, as I think back on it, we had great fun. After awhile the kids began to think Mom should have a boyfriend, and a woman at work began talking about knowing someone I needed to meet. I was very hesitant. I hadn't dated for so long, but finally I decided that it would be all right if I went for lunch. When my co-worker told me the someone she had in mind was her pastor, my initial reaction was, "No way!" But then I remembered that I had been at her church twice - once at her dad's funeral, and I had a good feeling about the person who performed the service. I had also done a presentation at that church on child abuse prevention, and I remembered when I shook hands with the pastor, how soft his hands were. Actually, I even remember thinking, "This guy must never have done any hard labor." I later found out that I was wrong.

Finally I agreed to go for lunch. Thus I met Hugh and we had a wonderful time. We were so compatible that I agreed to go a second and third time. We discovered we had so much in common. We were both active in the church. We both had been hurt from unsuccessful marriages. We both had children almost exactly the same age. Our mothers passed away within months of each other, and both had been influential in our lives. Actually, Hugh and I were both probably in Methodist Hospital in the Intensive Care waiting room at the same time. My mom died in February, 1995, and his mom died in May the same year, although she had been in the hospital in the months prior to her death. I'm sure the grief we shared over losing our mothers brought Hugh and me closer together.

We also had friends in common, but didn't know it. Jim Pemble, a good friend of Hugh's, had been on my board of directors for the Child Abuse Council. I was very active in the Walnut Hills United Methodist Church, of which Gene Koth was pastor, and a good friend. Gene was also a friend of Hugh's. The bottom line is that we discovered we think alike, value the same things, and share many of the same interests.

Hugh and I were married in 1996, in a family wedding at Epworth United Methodist Church in Des Moines, performed by his good Presbyterian pastor friend, Terry Hennesey. Hugh had just been appointed to Greenfield. We were in Greenfield for five years, in Waukee for two years, and now Osceola. I've found being a pastor's wife is really a mixed blessing. I am truly humbled that people open themselves to you, being gracious and kind and loving, for no other reason than who you are married to. That's amazing. On the other hand, it is challenging to handle criticism. I grew up never hearing a critical comment about the pastor. It would never have occurred to my parents to criticize the pastor. They were always supportive, so it has been difficult for me to understand where people are coming from when they make disparaging remarks. I think it is justified that the congregation should expect their pastor be a good role model, that they try to live a Christ like life, but when it is a matter of personal likes and dislikes - the way a person speaks or presents themselves, they don't laugh enough or they laugh too much - I am baffled and hurt by that. That's been an eye-opener.

Some day I think I'd like to write a series of books from the pastors' wives' perspective. The stories would be fictional but somewhat realistic, because the pastor gets drawn into families' lives at very intense moments like weddings, funerals, illnesses, or family crises. And there are times when the pastor's wife gets included. It seems to me I could create a character who could be involved in some very interesting or intriguing situations. My take on being a pastor's wife is perhaps a little different from someone who married young and grew into the role. I had a pretty independent life before becoming a pastor's wife. It is too late for me to try to be different than who I am, but I am very touched by the kindness and openness of people in the church, and how they respond to me or my role. And, of course, I still feel very fortunate to share my life with such a good person as Hugh.

In my employment, I have no time to wonder about anything. I have lots of work to do. After 12 years, I still feel as though I am just getting started with projects and ideas. But outside my work, I have so many loves! I love to go to auctions, for one reason because I am a treasure hunter, but I also love the social angle. This is great Americana! In Greenfield I met the Baier's, this wonderful auctioneer and his family, who taught me to love auctions. It was almost like going to see a performance, but it was participatory, where the audience could join in. They were funny, with lots of poking fun at the crowd, and I loved it.

As I said earlier, I'm interested in visual arts, so I enjoy lots of creative activities. I love to design flower arrangements. I love to garden, but not vegetables. I grow flowers, whereas Hugh loves fruit so he does the fruit gardening. I also love to pull weeds. It is one way I relax. In fact, you often will see me out on the lawn pulling weeds out of the grass. It is totally mindless. You can pull weeds and pull weeds and you're never done. I have this ongoing battle with Creeping Charlie. I am convinced that some day I will rid my corner of the world of Creeping Charlie, and I don't care much for clover, either.

I love to travel. Hugh and I share that in common. I'd also love to do stain glass repair. At one time I took classes, and I think about that when I visit these wonderful little old churches. Sometimes the leading in their stained glass windows is breaking apart. Wouldn't it be a shame to lose them? It costs thousands of dollars to have them professionally repaired, but some day I'd like to travel around and repair them just for the joy of it.

I also collect vintage costume jewelry. I can't afford the fine jewelry, but I have hundreds of pieces of costume jewelry. I'd never be able to wear it all. It does make me wonder why people wear what they do. Why do we think it is okay to wear certain things or adorn ourselves a certain way? How do we get to what we think is fashionable or not fashionable, or attractive or not attractive? It is fun to think about how people have chosen to decorate themselves over the years. I find that fascinating - like the hats we wore to church as part of our 150th anniversary celebration.

Those are some of the things I would like to do. Hugh says he is going to retire to Jamaica and preach. But neither of us sees ourselves not working. I can't imagine stopping work. Work is an important part of who I am, but I wouldn't have to do what I am currently doing. I look at the Sunday paper with all the job possibilities and think, "That would be interesting to try. I'd like to do that." I have a curiosity about lots of things. Wouldn't it be fun to go into housing restoration? There are some wonderful places here in Osceola. This community is rich in architecture. For the size of the town, I am amazed at the buildings. There are gorgeous old homes that have been restored, but there are many charming small ones as well. I enjoy driving by the little barber shop uptown near the railroad track. It hasn’t been painted for awhile, but I think it's perfect! There is a little house with a turret. And there is the stone building that used to be Dr. Harken’s hospital. I’d love to restore those. I don’t know the first thing about how to do it but if I were rich, I would learn.

My sister and I talk about opening a Bed and Breakfast. She would be the cook. I don't cook. Hugh would tell you that. It seems like a waste of time, especially routine cooking. But I could write promotional material, and decorate the place!

Those are all fun things to think about. For the current report of my family: Sharon, the sister who is ten years older than I, lives with her husband, Larry, in Rockford, Iowa. He is an elementary principal and she a substitute teacher. They are active in the community and especially in the United Methodist Church there. My sister, Mary, six years older than I, lives in Waukee. She is fully recovered from her nephritis, and took early retirement from Preferred Risk (which is now Guide One), when her first grandchild was born. She is the day-care provider for her grandchildren. She is also a saint and will do anything for anyone. She is the organist at the church in Waukee. Larry, who is two years older than I, lives at Van Meter. He was an investor with IPERS (Iowa Public Employees Retirement System) for years then he and another fellow formed the same kind of investment company for police and firemen. Being so near in age, he and I grew up sharing the same friends, were at UNI at the same time, and were always close.

About our children: Hugh's step-daughter, Kristen, was recently married. She graduated from Simpson College, is working in Des Moines for ING, an annuity and life insurance company, and enjoying her job. Hugh plays tennis with her husband, Randy. I feel good about her life.

Ryan is Hugh's older son. He is working for Mid American Energy and talks about returning to college part time. I still own the West Des Moines house the boys grew up in, and Ryan lives there with a couple of his friends. That is kind of fun.

My older boy, Jordan, is going to school at DMACC (Des Moines Area Community College) and works at Village Inn in West Des Moines. He lives in the Highland Park area of Des Moines. He's a bike rider. He loves to ride his bike and he also plays the bass guitar. I feel very fortunate that both Jordan and Taylor have developed a strong interest in music.

Adam lives at the farm house and is working a couple different jobs in Des Moines. He is still trying to figure out what he wants to do, but he is such a hard worker, I know he'll do well.

Taylor is a most interesting character. Lots of local people have met him. He's a big guy. He graduated from high school in May, and within two days started classes at La James College in massage therapy. He loves it! Taylor is not subtle about anything. He gets enthusiastic about everything he does, so now he loves massage therapy. He would welcome anyone to come in for a massage. After six months of classes, he will finish in November, have his board exams and be a licensed massage therapist in time to start his first semester at Grandview on January 10. He plans to major in Biology. He is in the honors program and is interested in pursuing some sort of career in alternative medicine. This could range from chiropractic to acupuncture. It will be interesting to see where he will go with it. But he will do this. He is the kind of person who sets a plan and does it, almost to the point of it becoming an obsession.

Ever since he was a little kid, he has been determined to master really difficult tasks. As a result he does things other people think about but don't ever do. He can do intricate yo-yo tricks, he can spin a ball on his finger for longer than anyone I've ever seen, and he can tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. It takes a lot of concentration to figure out how to do all these odd things, but he persists until he has done them. He plays keyboard in a band and is almost totally self taught. If he decides he wants to do something, he will do it better than almost anybody else.

At this point in life, I realize that one challenge is beginning now and will increase as the boys more and more go out on their own. Letting go is difficult for me, and I struggle with what my role is as they become young adults. I used to tell them what to do and they'd usually do it. I've never had rebellious or argumentative kids. They have been affectionate and supportive. I'm not sure how far to go to step in to save them from hardships they encounter. Do I let them pay the price for some of the foolish things they do? That's been a tough lesson for me, even though I know that is what growing up is all about.

The young adult stage of life is an anxious time. I must have caused my mother enormous anxiety. It is a time when people are developing their value systems, and it is fun to watch our kids develop theirs. I appreciate hearing about their views on politics, social issues, and religion. I am pretty proud of the way they are developing. Jordan said he is dating some girl who commented that it doesn't seem to bother him what other people think (like riding his bike to work, etc.) He said, "I don't worry about that," and I recalled how often I urged him "not to be concerned about what other people think of you because chances are they don't." So it is fun when things we've said actually make sense to them and they come back around.

Within the last few months, since Taylor graduated, I see Hugh and me entering a new phase of life. It goes along with letting go of our children. We are moving away from the parental role. I entered that role later than most and now, 20 years later, I'm moving out of it. I feel a little like when I was in my 20s. There are all these things to explore, all these things to do. Now we may actually be able to do them. It is an exciting time for us. Hugh and I can devote more time to each other. We are both healthy and active with lots of ambition. It is a great time! We are blessed!